In contrast, I have got to sleep. I have an aversion to caffeine, so shorting myself on sleep usually does not go well for functioning the next day. Caffeine makes my heart race and I've puked on many occasions from drinking a coke or Cheerwine(although any North Carolinian friends will agree that the taste of a Cheerwine is completely worth it!). So getting less than 6 hours of sleep if I'm not guarenteed a nap, is dangerous territory for me, especially with a chronic migraine condition. I aim for eight and a half, but I LIVE for the nights where I can get 10 or more.
I also should mention, I don't like falling asleep alone and physical touch is one of my top love languages. Falling asleep curled up with P's arms around me is something I've quickly fallen in love with during the first three months of marriage.
With my work and school schedule, there aren't many nights I can wait till 1 AM for bedtime. So last night, I asked if a couple nights a week, P could go to bed with me. While I should have realized a bit of my selfishness here, a part of me was thinking about how tired P is most of the time and how more sleep isn't usually a harmful addition to anyone's lifestyle. He wasn't resistant to the idea, but tonight was not the night for kickstarting this new routine in his opinion. He had been covering the impending hurricane most of the week and just needed some relaxing time (although I was a bit confused as to what he would have called the last three hours on the couch.)
I decided I would be selfless and give up another night going to sleep in my comfort spot for the sake of my husband's need of "relaxing". Apparently my face didn't look so gracious as my
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Going to bed. I'm sacrificing for you," he huffed back (drama is intended here).
A few more exchanges and we were arguing. I couldn't decide if I was just uncomfortable with the fact that someone was sacrificing for me (I tend to be fiercely independent, a trait that goes incredibly well in a marriage...not!) or if I had a problem with the way his "sacrifice" felt. Maybe it was both. I felt in a way, I didn't need him sacrificing his happiness for me(because he certainly was not happy) and instead I really just wanted him to want him to want the same things I did. I wanted him to want to fall asleep together or want to do something because it was important to me and made me feel loved. Idealistic yes, I'm aware.
On the other hand I was critical of the way he was sacrificing. I couldn't help but think that this little "sacrifice" was going to be registered and brought up later in a future disagreement. I wanted him to have this "I don't mind at all," attitude and not make me feel guilty for what he was doing for me. This was not it. This did not feel like sacrificial love to me.
But then I started to think, is it my job or my place to judge my husband's sacrificing for me? Is that my role as a wife?
Honestly in those moments, I don't know what my husband had left at this point in the day. I once heard someone joke that just as women have a time of the month, and men have a time of the day. There are certain points in the day when P's nerves are more friable, arguements are more likely to occur (thought it takes two to tango), and not much conversation is able to happen. This was probably right in the middle of that time and I was expecting him to be Christ conversing with the crowds or letting the children come when he needed to be in the garden. Maybe his sacrifice was fully selfless of all he had at that time, and I cut him short by not realizing how little he had and how much of that he was giving.
Furthermore, I realized my husband's way of sacrificing may not always look like mine. God created me to be a giver and a caretaker. I'm a people pleaser and I'll drop anything I can to be there for you, careful to neglect telling you whatever it is I dropped or the price I paid to be there for you. Cooking a meal for a new mom, missing a church service to work an extra shift in nursery, forgoing studying to text or be with a friend in crisis, you name it, I'm genuinely happy to do it. But that's how God has shaped my heart and that doesn't mean that everyone's version of true selflessness and sacrificing will be packaged up like mine (with a Carolina blue bow on it). My husband's for instance, might look totally different than that, and that's something I need to learn to recognize for what it is, be grateful for, and not criticize.
And if my husband's sacrifice was not completely selfless, it's not my job to judge the quality or the quantity of it. We are all on a path of refinement and our paths all look different according to God's perfect timing and His purposes for us along His perfect plan. Ultimately all of our sacrificing here on earth pales in comparison to the ultimate sacrifice Christ made to ransom our lives. Christ is the example, not me and how I give, not my mom, or my grandma, or that perfect wife we all see on social media and think has it all together. Christ and He alone.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16 NIV
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