A Time to Be Still

The other day I read an Instagram post from a friend of mine that really spoke to my heart. She has three young children and one on the way through the process of adoption. She had stepped away from a work position outside the home to spend more time with her family. In addition, she had taken a break from social media and blogging to be truly heart focused on her work at home. In her sweet and wise words, "It's been right where the Lord has called me to be. Living a life where the most important part of my day is sitting at His feet and then enjoying the blessings of marriage and children and family and friends. I'm so thankful." She went on to say she was coming back to Instagram for a bit to reconnect and keep up with friends' lives and let others stay up to date with their journey. But her message about stillness, withdrawing from the business of life, spoke to me and reminded me of some of the changes that we have made in recent weeks.

We are in the midst of some big life changes. No, we are not pregnant or adopting a baby or planning for that anytime soon, but we are preparing to move homes, jobs, states, etc. P is currently applying for jobs all over the country, and I'm not exaggerating when I say all over. North Carolina, Arkansas, Missouri, Wisconsin, Colorado, I heard mention of New York and California the other week. We have no idea when he his new job will start and what that means for moving our lives out of the state of Georgia.

What we do know is that every job he has applied for will consist of a schedule that will keep him out of the house during most weeknights and most of the jobs include weekends as well. That means our nights of binge-watching TV shows on Netflix (our latest have been How I Met Your Mother and now Parenthood, I'll let you guess who picked which show) are coming to a close for the most part. Our chance to cook dinner together in the kitchen or go for twighlight walks around the neighborhood are going to be rare.

Whether conscious or sub-conscious, we've made some changes. We didn't stop and say, "hey we have this big life adjustment coming up, let's take some moments to spend more time to together before this happens." It became a gradual reduction of our busyness as we desired to spend more time together. A gentle throwing off of things or not taking on of more things that prevented us from spending time just the two of us.

1. We have reduced the amount of extra in our week. Sometimes this requires a bit of the word "no" and that can be really hard for me to do. I don't like risking offending people or leaving them in need. Some of the things we have said "no" to are last minute hang-outs with co-workers or friends. I worry that turning them down will cause them to never invite us to anything again, but often times they get it when we can't do something last minute. Some of what we have said "no" to are regularly scheduled events that we used to regularly attend. Some of what we have said "no" to are extra requests of our service at church, beyond leading twice a month in a preschool classroom. The extra requests that had me missing our life group or us missing the service we attended on our off weeks, I feared no one else would be able to fill those needs if I/we didn't. I feared resentment from our preschool ministry leader (who by the way could not be any sweeter or more kindhearted). But whenever we said no, it was always met with understanding followed by the need being filled by someone else. By us saying no, it gave someone else the opportunity to use their gifts and steward the blessings of talent God had given them to glorify Him. And whether those were the weeks that we needed to be in service to hear that message, or those children needed to hear their lesson through that leader, or both, God had worked it all out.

2. We spent more time laughing and goofing off. One of my biggest flaws is that I hate my flaws. I have a very hard time laughing at myself or not fretting unceasingly over my screw-ups. And it's even worse when someone else points them out or when my husband makes a joke in light of one of my flaws or screw-ups. He doesn't do it to be hurtful, but I can get so mad and upset when he does even knowing he did it with innocent intentions. I can even work myself into an anxious mess at times over my potential mess-ups sometimes if I'm not careful to catch myself spiraling out of control. I worry, I stress, I over-analyze. Even typing all this out is hard to do. But knowing all of this, and knowing that we are going through an overwhelming and stressful time, I've had to learn to laugh. If not, I cry.
And I've cried a lot already in our marriage. My emotional barometer needs to be between a 4 and 7 (on a scale of 1-10, 1 being horribly sad and 10 being incredibly happy), if not, I'm sobbing. Something is too sad or something is too happy/joyful/wonderful, I'm a mess. Parents meeting adopted babies for the first time, armed forces members coming home, the entire "To Joey with Love" documentary, reading CaringBridge posts about families losing their little ones to cancer and horrible diseases, BAWLING at them all. And the same goes in stress. If the situation is above a 2.5/5 on the stress meter, I'm upset.
So with as much pressure as I knew was on P during this time of preparing materials for applying for jobs (in broadcasting it is not nearly as simple as updating your resume and writing a cover letter), applying for the scarily few jobs there were out there that fit his search criteria, and then spending an exhausting amount of time waiting to hear, all while continuing on in one of the top 3 worst jobs (don't believe me, read this), I didn't want to add my stress to him. If anything, I prayed I could take some of his stress away in any way I could.
So we laugh. We goof off. We've done silly stuff and spontaneous stuff. Last night we spent a half hour playing famous movie music scores on youtube and seeing if the other person could guess the movie. You should have seen our victory dances! I've learned to be better at laughing at myself, especially when it is my husband who makes the joke, whereas before, I would cringe and most of the time be angry. We laugh with each other, at each other, for each other, and just make a point to have more silly moments. Sometimes it feels like we are juvenile and dumb, but seeing my husband smile during this season of life is one of the most important things to me. I've thrown out my never-ending to-do lists and lounged around on Saturday mornings instead of barking orders on everything we needed to do in order to have the perfect productive weekend. Sure our house is kind of a mess, but we are happier, and I'll take that any day.

3. We have pulled back from some "friendships". In college, we were both blessed with an incredible Christian community. For me, it was both inside the college bubble (ask any Elon grad what the bubble is), and outside the bubble in a local church community at the Summit Church. For P, it was mainly within the bubble of college students, but in several different circles of friends on campus. We still remain very close to our college life communities and are thankful for their continued presence in our lives. But since moving in together in Georgia after our wedding, we have struggled to find community that feels as invested in us as we are in them. Part of that is more than likely the fact that we were only here for a year, and people are more likely to pour into friendships that have a greater chance to be longstanding than ones that will be here today and long-distant tomorrow. I get that.
But that means that in this season of life, we started to pull back from those "friendships" and started spending more time with each other and a select few friends that were actively investing in us. It wasn't that we were looking to cut people out of our lives or being picky and particular about who we were and were not going to hang out with. Here's a mental picture for you. Each morning you start your day with a full cup of water. Each person you spend time with requires you to pour water out of your cup. Some people might give some water back, but most people don't. At the end of the day, when you spend alone time with your husband, do you want an empty cup with no water to pour out onto him? The more we pulled back from "friendships" that were draining us instead of filling us, the more capacity we had and fullness for each other. Marriage comes before friends.

4. We are "skipping" church this Sunday to make a day trip happen. I am NOT in any way shape or form condoning or giving validity to skipping out on corporate worship. God first always. Prioritize church and center your heart on church early on in your marriage, keep it up in your parenting, and that witness will shine brighter than any words you say to your children. P and I both believe that and neither of us would allow for a habit of regularly missing church.
I recently won a facebook contest for a free zipline excursion at North Georgia Canopy Tours. After going over the fine print of the deal and matching up our schedules, literally the only day we had available to go was a Sunday. I was hoping there would be a late afternoon excursion available, making it possible for us to attend church in the morning and then make the two and a half hour drive, but there were only mid-day and morning slots available. And rather than letting the free ticket go to waste (non-transferrable over $70 value) and missing out on an advenutre we have been talking for a year, we booked it. We may have even chose, regardless of the time of the excursion we booked, to still miss church for the sake of having a slow day instead of a busy one.
I feel guilt over the fact we will miss deepening our faith through learning the Word and miss praising God in worship thisSundayy. But I do believe that we can glorify God during our time away this weekend as well. We can experience the wonder of His creation, reflect on His provision, celebrate our marriage and His plan in bringing us together, glorify Him with our words and actions and the intentions of our hearts and minds and the treatment of others. I do believe that we are honoring God by honoring our marraige.

5. We try our best to "be still" about tomorrow. Our tomorrow freaks me out some days. I'm someone who likes to have a MINIMUM of Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C for every big event in life. And I can't plan anything concrete for our lives right now. We have an end date of P's current contract of June 8 (keep in mind I'm typing this on May 11, and yes that's less than a month away), and we know absolutely nothing right now. It's terrifying. I can be optimistic, cynical, weepy, completely trusting in the Lord, or downright hopeless, just the luck of the draw on that day (and probably some hormones if I'm being honest). And P is just plain stressed. He has days of feeling sick, days of headaches, and days of feeling exhausted. We have been through this once before when he was graduating college and looking for his first job, but how quickly we forget the way God works everything out for us. I told P last night that it is just plain time to surrender. We are wasting away our potential enjoyment of our last month of weeknights spent together and what a tragedy that is. We have the option to laugh, to love, to enjoy, or we have the option to be stressed. At this point, neither of us have any control over what God chooses to reveal to us each day. What choice we do have is how we deal with His timing and His plan. I believe this is what makes all the difference. This will not be the most stressful or the hardest thing we ever encounter in our lives, I have confidence in saying that. So I choose the refinement of learning to be still today, so that I can face my tomorrow, whatever it may hold.


Life is not fulfilled by busy nor will you find happiness in being overproductive. Your marriage will not go from surviving to thriving by jam packing your schedules. Taking time to just be still and enjoy each other's company, with no agenda, just togetherness, has really helped us. I used to think it was doing lots of things together, serving together, seeing friends together, game night together, etc. But it isn't about the thing, it's about the together. This season of dropping the busy and focusing on the together has reminded us of that.

Psalm 55:22 NIV "Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous be shaken." 

Not a Fixer Upper Husband

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty much obsessed with HGTV's show Fixer Upper. The sweet, tangible love between the duo Chip and Joanna Gaines who take the "worst house in the best neighborhood" and turn these rundown eyesores into masterpieces for their clients. It is captivating to watch the transformation of each house, and I am constantly dragging P into our bedroom to stand in front of our TV and watch the reveal of the finished houses so he can see the before and after pictures of the amazing work the Gaines and their team have accomplished. Their co-authored autobiography, The Magnolia Story, gifted to me at Christmas by my mother-in-law, is now loaned out a second time because I can't help but share it. Top of my vacation bucket list is a couples trip to explore Waco, Texas, visit Magnolia Market, and of course stay in the Gaines's bed and breakfast The Magnolia House. And I now proudly sport a #shiplap shirt around town as well as have a wire file basket hanging in our entry way, both bought online from the Gaines' Magnolia Market.

I grew up in a fixer upper home. I say grew up, because for most people, fixer upper homes don't happen like they do on tv. They take months to years to complete. My parents bought a 1967 ranch house on some acrage right before I started 8th grade. Their finish date was set for my high school graduation, just in time for me to leave home and miss out on enjoying the completed project. I'm now almost 24 years old and there are still small projects my parents have yet to finish, or even start on the house. The majority of the work was done by the deadline and they have re-done some rooms a second time (in particular my old bedroom). But I learned lots of handy skills and that I would never take on a Fixer Upper in my own adult life, well unless Chip and Joanna Gaines were running the project. I can hang drywall, install a toilet, lay tile and hardwoods, demo a deck, install a fence line, nail up crown molding and baseboards, and several other "this will be fun" skills.

With both of my parents working full time, the evenings and mainly the weekends were filled with projects on the house. From jack hammering up parquet floors to running electrical, there was always a project in progress. And when you finished one project, it just meant that it was time to start another. There were lulls in the four years of reno work where we just enjoyed the house for what it was at the time, but the idea of completion was never far from thoughts when you looked around at the place.

I have to be very careful not to look at my husband or marriage in the same way. My husband is not my fixer upper house where I can fix one part of him and then move on to the next part of him I don't like. As we figure out this thing called marriage and how to best love each other, it could be very easy to look at the changes and adaptations my husband has made to better love and serve me as fixes to him that I have been the catalyst of making.

1. My husband isn't run-down, broken, or in need of renovation projects from me. My husband is a sinner, yes. My husband is flawed, yes also. But he is not my fixer upper project. He is not a family room needing resurfaced floors, a fresht coat of paint, and a re-rocked fireplace with a barnwood mantle. When he begins to pick up his gym shorts and make it all the way to the hamper with them, he hasn't become fixed-up. I haven't, as a wife, completed one project and now it's onto the toothpaste spit and shaved hair grime in the bathroom sink. When he learns about I love to spend quality time in the evenings with him and makes that a priority more often, it isnt another completed room on this house and now it's on to his listening skills. He isn't my project and I'm not the one doing the fixing. He is God's child and servant. God is molding P for the work that He is calling him to.

2. God changes hearts and attitudes, spouses pray. One of the many roles of God is to mold and shape us as He sees fit according to His will. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows the challenges and callings that will be placed upon our lives and the ways that we will need to be refined and shaped in order to handle and endure each chapter of life. Trust the process and the work that God has begun in you and your spouse that he will not finish until completion. "And I am sir of this, that he who began a good work in your will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV. It doesn't mean that your desire for seeing growth, change, maturity in an aspect of your spouse's life needs to fall away, but let God be the driving force behind that change. Pray to God for it instead of nagging your husband for it. It isn't easy and it sometimes feels unheard or fruitless.  It what an incredible testimony down the road you will have, to be able to say "look at the work God has done in our marriage and in us" instead of "look how I changed my marriage."

3. Respect the man you married, don't try to turn him into something else. I could sit at a dinner table with other newlywed wives or hop on Facebook and easily find ways to feel like my husband isn't right. He doesn't sweep me off my feet and take me out on romantic dates every week, he doesn't cook dinner every night, or lovingly let me say whatever I need to say when pouring out my heart without ever getting offended, or lead us in morning prayer time or nightly devotions. But that doesn't mean that there aren't many amazing qualities about him and it doesn't mean that I am not called to respect him. I remember a friend of mine preaching on a mission trip talking about the exchange between husband and wife in Ephesians 5. He said it wasn't an "if then" statement. It is not, if your husband is loving you as Christ loved the church, then submit to him. And the same goes in reverse. It isn't, husbands, if your wife is submitting to you, then love her as Christ loved the church. We each have the call to love, obey, serve, and respect our spouse and we answer to God. When we find ways to respect our spouse, we find new ways to fall in love with them. When we are constantly looking for ways to replace their parts, we fall out of love with who we are married to. It is incredibly hard to love someone you do not respect.

We will not ever be perfect on this side of heaven, but we are perfectable. There will always be a crack in a tile, a chip in the paint, or a shutter hanging slightly crooked until our final breath when the work is complete. More than anything we need to realize that we are all projects and fixer-uppers in God's hands, not each other's. The ways in which we need to be polished are up to Him, not for us to decide about our spouse or anyone else. So let us pray boldly to be open and receiving of our own re-model work from God, pray for and acknowledge the polishing work He is doing in our spouse, and enjoy some more Chip and Joanna Gaines on Fixer Upper!

Valentine's Day Social Media

I reàlized something today about the difference between my facebooked feed and my husband's. The iPad we share is connected to my husband's accounts, and not that I use it to stalk him, but today this gave me an interesting view into what he sees on social media versus what I see on social media. This morning when I woke up, my facebooked was flooded with wives, fiancées, and girlfriends posting about the surprises they woke up to from their significant others. Me, I woke up to dishes in the sink and laundry everywhere. My husband's gift that I've been talked up for a week sits nicely wrapped on the kitchen table with the sappy love note on top. I made him breakfast(defrosted waffles if that counts) in an attempt to not cry as I selfishly compared myself to the two handfuls of women I had seen on facebook this morning being cherished by their men.
But as I sat down and pondered stewed later on, I decided to look at his facebook and see if it looked similar to mine. Was it filled with roses, chocolate, balloons, cards, and sweet posts from adoring women about their men? No, not at all.
His feed was filled with sports and news outlets mostly. There were a few couples' pictures but nothing like the way my feed looked like. And I then had a few realizations.

1. Women tend to use facebook/social media as a person-person social experience. My friends on facebook consist of mostly married or soon to be married people. Many have kids and have been married for a number of years. The posts I read are typically about so and so getting engaged or married or getting pregnant or finally being potty trained (only to retract that a day later). So on days like Valentine's Day, it is hard not to compare what everyone else has going on for them. The surprise flowers, the card waiting for them on the fridge, the biggest most obnoxious balloon, the breakfast in bed, etc.

2. Men use Facebook for...still trying to figure this out. Help me out if you know the answer. My husband doesn't use Facebook all that often, I think mostly to see trending news stories (he's a reporter after all), sports highlights, and hilarious or crazy videos. I don't think he really uses it much for keeping up with people and certainly doesn't use it for comparisons. So he won't see the slew of valentines posts and women gushing about their significant others and wonder why there isn't one about him yet, or realize he should put up some effort if he wanted to see himself tagged in a post on my wall.

3. What's the point? Why do we share this stuff if our husband's or boyfriends aren't racing to Facebook to compare what they got for us to what their buddies got for their girls? Do we need to validate to each other that we were someone's valentine this year, especially those of us who are married? Would that friend from high school you haven't spoken to in 6 years actually wonder if your man did anything for you if there wasn't a post on social media about it? Are we potentially making those who feel uninvited to the "I'm claimed party" feel like Valentines is even more of a horrible day to be single? Would your spouse be hurt if you didn't publically thank them for their gift or loving act of service on a social media platform? Some would, possibly mine included. So I think this one is different for all of us, but something many of us need to consider about the hold on our lives as presented by social media, or the need for documenting and posting all the highlights of our life.

4. Is it worth it? Before I got on social media this morning, I was fine with how the day was going to go. I've learned to have little to no expectations, so if something great happens, it is even more wonderful than expected. If nothing happens, there isn't a huge emotion filled, dramatic situation and I can easily piece together what I wish would happen next time and effectively communicate that. Communication is really hard, especially on the forefront of something. And how romantic is it to tell your husband precisely that you want him to make you scrambled eggs with toast and strawberry jelly and orange juice and you want it at 7:30 in bed, you want roses and a card on the table positioned in view when you walk into the kitchen, and to be taken to a steakhouse for dinner with a 7:30 reservation? You've taken all the surprise out of it and essentially should be taking him out for the date. It may not go exactly how you thought it should, but that's what next year and the next and the next and the next and so on is for.

I'm not perfect on this one, but working hard to be perfected in it. My mom reminded me today that we don't do things for our spouses for a response, we do them because we love them and that should be the focus. You may feel like you are working your tail off at loving your spouse and just not getting anything in return. You bought a gift and doted on him or her, but just don't feel seen, appreciated, or cherished in return. I know the sting of that and I'm sorry for the weight that carries. But I'm here to encourage you to pray for God to fill that void. He loves you and knows you more than anyone here on earth ever could. Even more than you yourself ever could. He has known you by name from before you were conceived and will know you past the end of time. In His love you are always loved, cherished, cared for, appreciated, valued, and precious.

A Lesson in Cinnamon Rolls

This weekend the south is supposed to get hit by a snowpocalypse. In our part of Georgia however, we are projected to get possibly(but probably not) a half inch of snow and maybe some freezing rain. Big whoop, especially when it requires my husband to work on a Saturday starting at 4 in the morning to report on the road conditions and changing weather.

I trekked out to a grocery store tonight in order to stock up on some food. Not because we are going to be snowed in for days on end, but more because we were just out of nearly everything. I picked up a can of cinnamon rolls (a brand that makes both the dough and icing dairy free!) and decided I would get up early tomorrow and make them for my snow-chaser husband as he headed out in the wee hours of the morning. My intentions were honestly just to do something nice for him, and because I felt bad that he was having to wake up for what was looking to be a disappointing snow day situation.

As he was climbing into bed around 9:30, a huge struggle for him especially on a Friday night (read this post if you don't know what I'm talking about), I knew he was dreading the morning. So I decided to tell him about what he had to look forward to. I mean these cinnamon rolls are tasty and who doesn't want a piping hot breakfast pastry as they head out the door in the morning?

Me: "Hey I bought some cinnamon rolls to make for you before you leave in the morning. Thought you could take some to (insert names of some of my favorite newsroom people) as well."

P: "well they'll have food for us there at the station."

Crushed. Let down. Wind let out of my sails. Here I was just trying to do something nice and his immediate reaction is not to say, "wow, that's nice of you" or "you don't have to do that sweetheart!". It's a "yeah I don't need that."

I was upset and had to walk away in order to swallow my reaction. I stood in our bathroom, taking off my makeup and washing my face, thinking through the situation. I was just trying to be a good wife and do something loving. Why couldn't he see that or appreciate that?

And then it hit me. Was I being his good wife and was what I was doing something he would feel loved by?

1. Our spouses are fallible. I'm not trying to make an excuse for spouses with this and let them off the hook for not putting forth effort in the relationship. But I want to start with this point because we need to remember this daily. Whether they just come up short and miss the mark, are distracted and not giving their full attention, or just plain screw up, our spouses fail us and will for the rest of our lives on this side of Heaven. P was stressing about work, tired from the week he had already worked which had been more hectic than normal, watching a basketball game, and grumpy about his wake up time for the next day. Not exactly a prime subject for expecting perfect responses and loving appreciation. We too are fallible. The grace we exchange as spouses in weak moments will always pale in comparison to the grace we have been given through the the Cross. Grace grace and more grace!

2. Our spouses are not God. You may think that this would tie into the first point but I want to take it in a different direction. God can express love in an infinite number of ways. We cannot. As God knit us together and formed His plan for us, our experiences and influences that would shape us into the people and lovers we are today, He did not create us with the intricacies to express love and receive love in all the ways that are possible. He made us each unique. The way we love, the way we want to be loved by a spouse, by a parent, by a friend, are all special to each person. While there are patterns and there is an ability to group people by certain characteristics of expressing and receiving love preferences, we are all special in our own ways. Sometimes in the mingling of souls, the way a husband expresses love to his wife is exactly how she prefers to loved, and vice versa. But often, there's a mismatch and the ships pass in the night without so much as even noticing someone else is sailing in the same waters.

I thought back to a book P and I started (and have yet to finish in all honesty) during our engagement by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. The premise of the book is that one of the crucial components of a meaningful and successful relationship is where each spouse knows how they need to be loved and how their spouse needs to be loved and is able to speak each other's languages. There are many different ways to show or express your love to someone, but if you are expressing your love in a way that someone isn't able to identify as loving, they might miss your love message altogether with.

3. The way you crave to be loved may not be the way you find it easiest to show love or how your spouse craves to be loved. For me personally, I find that quality time is where I find the most loved. No screens, doing something meaningful or enjoyable, connecting, and being with each other, even if it is only for a twenty minutes, that is how I am filled up in our relationship. But I find that I tend to gravitate and naturally give love to my husband through acts of service. Hence our cinnamon roll debacle. It wasn't that I was wrong to show my love to him that way or he was wrong to not receive it. It isn't a blame game, but rather that we are both on the same team, headed for the same goal. Understanding the way to love each other better. And that involves both altering the way we love our spouse and how we view the way they seek to love us so that we can receive their love well. Not one or the other, but both.

Remembering our talks over the 5 Love Languages book, I recalled P expressing how much he identified with the section on Words of Affirmation. For him, respect, encouragement, praise, and validation are huge. Constant criticism, nagging, and disrespect are confidence and relationship destroyers. I could easily recall examples, even from the past week, of where this was evident and where I could do better. It isn't that I didn't want to love him this way, but this language isn't one that comes naturally to be because of the way I was raised and the experiences I have had that have shaped who I am. I have a different preference when it comes to being loved, but it is just as important for P to hear words of affirmation as it is for me to be loved through quality time. So learning to speak words of affirmation into my daily life with P more is just as important as him learning to recognize acts of service as me trying to love him.

Understanding your spouse's language and their complete understanding of your language is a process. It will not happen overnight and without climbing a mountain together. But the point is that you are in it together, both striving for the same goal, to make your spouse better feel your love and to feel more loved by them. And who doesn't want that?

If you haven't read the 5 Love Languages or this is the first you have ever heard of the concepts of Love Languages, I would encourage you to visit http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ for information. You can take a free assessment to determine your own love language that will score you in each category of the 5 languages. Dr. Gary Chapman has written many books on topics such as parenting to the Love Languages of your children, Love Languages in the workplace, Love Languages for Singles, and so many other resources.

A Great Desire

I've been struggling over the past few months with the concept of authenticity. How much do you share, how real do you get with people, what is for private and what is for public? This isn't exactly a new concept or struggle in our society, but it seems to have been complicated or amplified since getting married.

Social Media portrays such an odd display of reality. From people that show only the highlight reel of their life to those who show their "struggle is real" photos that are just perfectly undone enough, the ability to observe someone's true life full of mess, pain, and struggle is rare.

I think many of us are scared. Scared that we are the only ones feeling this way, scared of what people would say or think if they knew what was really going on, scared that if we admitted we didn't have it all together, it would all fall apart. But where does that leave us? We have these social networks of close friends and families that we cannot share things with. We feel the need to add a preface of "I don't normally do this" or seriously reconsider ever sharing something deeply personal.

We sit in Sunday school classes and church services with our best-dressed selves and keeping up an image. We share prayer requests about family members and discuss the class subject matter but never going into deep detail about our own personal struggles. But why the heck not? The church should be the safest place for being broken, admitting our flaws or not measuring up, and yet it's the place we often feel we must be the most careful with how much we share.

I even see it here on the blogosphere. We share the "Christian" struggles of not being in the word enough, idolizing a clean house, not tithing every week. But rarely do we get down deep and into the nitty gritty.

So here is my great desire. To be truly authentic and forthcoming on this blog, to overcome the fear that I will be judged or criticized for the things I share on here. Because I believe that God has given me a voice and a heart for the hurting, struggling, alone. I don't believe that the things I struggle with in my life and in my marriage and the struggles P and I are facing are things that are unique to us alone.

So here is a bit of raw honesty:

1. I fear that I will fail to glorify God in my role as a wife. I grew up in the Disney princess era, where the girls always seemed to learn they didn't need saving and they could do it without a prince. I was fiercely independent and even prided myself on my self-reliance. I never felt the need for companionship, though at times I wanted it. Throughout engagement and especially after marriage, I have had to work hard to even accomplish small steps toward God's design for marriage and wifehood. He has taught me far more about His character and the places I need refinement in my character during marriage than I ever could have learned in singleness. But it is hard, and some days I fear undoing the progress and going back to stubbornly wanting to control everything in my time, my desire, my power, and my will. I fear we will grow complacent in living out our faith, content with semi-regular church and Sunday school attendance, praying before meals, and occasionally praying together. I fear the destruction of our marriage by not keeping God at the center or part of our triune.


2. Sometimes I miserably fail at cooking. Last night, I had a Pinterest fail. I normally only post my great triumphs and Insta-perfect plates, but in the spirit of real-ness, this is what my side dish for dinner looked like last night. I present the guaranteed crispy, oven-baked sweet potato fries:

It was horrible. We scraped the under-done fries off the pan and consumed the mush with our crab cakes because I didn't have another option. My grocery shopping was also a fail this week, and we are currently eating our way through the freezer/thanksgiving leftovers. My sweet husband is thankful for any food put in front of him and not harsh when I fail miserably in the kitchen. I'm the critic in the house for my own cooking.

3. I haven't sent out our thank you notes from our wedding gifts. Between moving, working two jobs, being in school part-time, and the fact that writing thank you notes is just not fun, we are really behind on getting them out. Yes, I know that my Miss Manners and Emily Post standards I have a year to send them out, but if you have met perfectionist me, I don't let things hang over me like this. It's embarrassing, but honestly, with finals and the holidays approaching, I'm not sure they will get done anytime soon (which is even worse).


I don't share these honest tidbits of life for pity or to get them off my chest. My hope is that it will start a ripple effect of comfortability for others to be authentic about their lives. We are not called to be islands, we are called "Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working." James 5:16 gives us an incredible reasoning for authenticity and the benefit from engaging in true community. 

A short but important post

So I'm procrastinating studying and have not blogged in a while, so it was the perfect situation for posting. It will be a short post but one I feel is incredibly important for your marriage.

Over the course of our almost five months of marriage, i have been sick about three times (once on and after our honeymoon). Being sick often is not out of the ordinary for me, and luckily for P he has had lots of experience around sick-Shannon. My most recent and current illness has kept me in bed for the better part of the past two weeks with a sinus infection and now pneumonia (fun, I know). So this thought came to me today and I thought I would share.

Put time and effort into your master bed design. Pick out a great bedspread/comforter and sheet set for your bed when decorating your first home (house, town-home, apartment, etc.). Buy a foam topper or a mattress with a pillow top and extra pillows. Go all out (or splurge a bit) on your master bed. It should be a haven for you and your spouse, which may take a bit of compromising or his and her siding. Work together to find a pattern or style that you both will enjoy looking at every day and a sheet material you both will enjoy snuggling in.

Make your bed a place the both of you are excited to come home to. Make your bed somewhere you would be comfortable resting your head for days on end when sick. Make your bed the place you and your husband want to be together to connect and share. This is an important spot in the house in so many ways, so don't overlook the time and effort to work together to make this a favorite spot for both of you.

The Strong-Willed Wife: The Post I have Dreaded Writing

Goals, great ambitions, and plans for the future are not bad things. Holding tightly to them and being so stubbornly focused on them that small hiccups in the quest to achieve them frustrate you to the point of tears, those are not so good. Being unable to go down another path to achieve those goals or being unwilling to see that another goal might yield better results than the one you are set on, those are really really not good things.

When my husband was asking my dad's permission to propose to me, my dad replied, "are you sure? She's really stubborn!" I just found out about this occurrence, a little more than a year after it happened. As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth and has been for my entire life. If you've ever heard of the book "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson, that was me in a nutshell as a child. My poor parents both being the youngest of the sibling groups, did their best to bridle my first-born spirit. I ruled the roost growing up with my younger siblings and often with my friends. I learned lots of lessons over the years and typically can dial it back in social situations. However, I still struggle to not overstep my place or control situations that include more than just me.

In marriage, this proves extra difficult. Not just from the stance of creating a partnership with someone (instead of me leading a dictatorship), but furthermore from the way God has designed marriage. My role as a wife is not to lead our household, make our decisions autonomously, or diminish my husband's wisdom and opinions for the sake of crediting my own.

I have scoured the Bible's pages looking for justification in being an outspoken, overly zealous, headstrong wife, but the words just aren't there. As much as I would love to tell you that when your husband isn't leading the "perfect" way, you can take over, but that is not true. I wish there was a verse telling me that my strong-will was a good and healthy thing and that the ways it manifests itself are fortifying to my marriage, but in fact if I'm being completely real, it's the opposite.

My strong-will is often a case of misplaced trust. As a child, it often a mistrust that someone was going to follow through on their tasks on a group project or that their ideas for an afternoon of fun were going to be as fun as my own. As an adult, the trust was still misplaced, but the items became much bigger. Whether mistrust in my husband as the leader of our family or in God as our ultimate leader and provider, I too often believe that in my own power and by my own strength will get us to a better place in life. I frequently believe that our story as a married couple is better written with the pen in my hand instead of our Creator's, who happens to be writing the best love story of all time. The paths of our testimonies, both individually and collectively as a couple are in no way shape or form stories that I could have created or orchestrated. The way we met, having both just sworn off dating a few days before, the way we grew to love each other, our engagement story, and the rest of our journey, we didn't have a hand in that all coming together so perfectly like it did. When I am reminded of this, I no longer feel the need to take over the authorship of our story as a couple, because I know that if I am in control, the resulting story will pale in comparison to the one that the Lord would write with us.

So here are some things that I have been trying to keep in mind as I try to curb my strong-will in my marriage:

1. My husband is not perfect and neither am I. We are both sinners and fallible. We are going to fail each other constantly throughout this road of marriage and if we are looking for perfection, we will never find it. If I expect my husband to be a perfect husband, father, spiritual leader, partner, soul-mate, etc. then the only thing I will receive from him consistently is disappointment. My husband has never been a husband before, and he is only three months into this lifelong role. When was the last time you started a new job and were perfect by month three? God is working on him every day, refining him and strengthening him for our road and journey ahead. My strong-will of telling him who he should be or what he needs to be doing for us will chip away at the work that God is doing in him. When I keep grace and prayers for my husband as a priority in my mind, the outflow of that creates a space of encouragement for him to become the leader God is shaping him into and that I long to see.

2. Wisdom, not outspokenness, is a virtue. Proverbs 31 can be a great place to look for advice on the character of a virtuous wife. This chapter in the Bible sets out the ultimate Godly model of what a wife looks like. However, I often find that this has been turned into the unachievable standard for wives and that many women become disenchanted by these words. Women should strive to be a Proverbs 31 wife, just as we all strive to live like Jesus did. But missed perfectionism is nothing to beat yourself up over, so please have grace with yourself when you come up short. Explore this text and find some goals for yourself instead of using it as something to unfairly compare yourself to. Here are a few of mine:

• Trustworthiness: "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value," (Proverbs 31:11 NIV). Your husband's trust should be one of the most precious and sacred things to you. Speaking poorly about him in public, bashing him with your wife friends, talking to others about decisions the two of you are in the midst of making, and having deep friendships with members of the opposite gender are all things that can put your husband's trust at risk. Yes, this may mean awkwardly leaving a conversation or an uncomfortable switching of a conversation topic, diminishing some once strong friendships or setting up some boundaries, but marriage is about sacrifices and if it's what is best for your marriage, why not make these changes and put up these safeguards for your protection and your husband's ability to trust you wholeheartedly? Your husband will confide in you his fears, his dreams, his goals, and his plans on how to get there. He needs to know he is protected when he does that. 
• Kindness: Whether in word or deed, kindness should be the overflow of our hearts. The Proverbs 31 woman is helpful to the needy, opening her arms and stretching out her hands. Whether tithing to your church, giving time, money, or your gifts to local charities, making a meal for a new mom, watching a friend's kids while they get a much needed date night, do something kind for someone else. This is something I am especially reminded of during this stressful season leading up to November, when we could all use some extra kindness. The same goes for your husband. Whether his day has been great or his day has been awful, extra kindness at home can only make it better. Edifying and uplifting compliments, kind requests when you need something, and overly appreciative thanks when he does something for you, will help foster a home where "Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her" (Proverbs 31: 28). 
• Work hard at what you do: In the home or in the workforce, we see the Proverbs 31 Woman working willingly. It doesn't say when she feels like it, when her husband is in a good mood, when her kids are getting along, it just says "with willing hands" Proverbs 31:13. She is eager and intelligent in what she does (v. 13, v. 16). She wakes up early to provide for her family and her household, putting them first and giving it the time needed to be done well (v. 15). She is strong and capable but not wasteful with her time (vs. 17, 25, 27). She doesn't work for praise, or for the glory of self either. I'm reminded of another scripture verse, "whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23 ESV). 

3. A wife's actions and priorities can be a witness. "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you," (Matthew 6:33). In this Bible text, Jesus is telling his disciples not to be anxious about where their earthly needs will be met and how to organize their priorities. Culture tells us that we need to focus on ourselves and what we can get out of marriage. PBlacing the priority on God, His Will, and relying on Him, we take the pressure off our husbands to satisfy our needs completely and to have all the answers for us. When our needs aren't being fully met in marriage, we tend to become dissatisfied with our spouse. For me this turns into nagging my husband for help around the house, coming down on him harshly, and pushing him to lead in the ways I think he should be. But if I sought out my provisions from God, how much different would my marriage be, and how much different would my marriage look to others? I want my marriage to shine Jesus and be an example of the gospel to everyone who looks at it. After all, that's what Christian marriage is, the gospel on display. 

4. Submission can be freedom, but it can also be a challenge. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands," (Ephesians 5:22-24). Growing up in the church and being in Christian organizations in college, the topic of submission in wifehood was always a hot topic. The idea was that husbands will make all the decisions, without any input from their wives, and that wives will be forced to idly sit by and passively let life happen around them. The thought of going from an active participant and decision maker in life as a young adult, deciding which job to take, which roommate to live with, which apartment to live in, which grocery store to shop at, and which bank to use, to then not being able to make any decisions at all or have any opinions at all, basically becoming a slave, was not favorable for any of the girls I knew. But as I studied submission more as I became serious about becoming a wife after God's design for marriage, I realized that the idea of submission was not exactly as we had morphed it into. No matter what our personality (even us strong-willed ones) as Christians, we submit to God's will for our lives, knowing He has our best interest at heart. By submitting to our husband's, we are actually submitting to the Lord and his design for marriage. I don't get to be off the hook when my husband is moody or lazy or when he isn't completely filling his role, unfortunately. My husband has a big role, the spiritual leader of our family. And as much as we would both say I might be more "qualified" for it, God has called him as the husband for this position, not me. As the wife, there are many things I can do to support and encourage this role for him, but taking it over is not my place. The same goes for decision making. I can give input and opinions, but stepping on my husband and making decisions for him, is not my job description either. These are both challenges for me, and things I have had to work very hard to catch myself from doing, but so worth it for the health and prosperity of my marriage. 

5. It is not supposed to be easy. I think there is this huge disconnect in giving advice to newlywed couples. There's a lot of difference in telling someone "marriage is hard" and telling them "MY marriage is hard". We are so cautious to admit that we struggle and that we are being refined. It leaves other young wives vulnerable and feeling alone. Too often in the past early months of marriage, I looked around for someone else feeling the same way I was: subpar, less than perfect, constantly not measuring up. I felt like I was the only one failing at being the perfect wife, the only one who wasn't doing this well. I wasn't giving enough grace, we were arguing lots, I didn't feel like he was leading well, we were messy. I'm not telling you to go blast your marriage problems all over Facebook or complain to your mom about your husband day after day. However, finding a small group, bible study, community of woman in a similar life stage, or a mentor in the church can be incredibly encouraging. It is important to recognize ways to fill up your cup because your grace-demanding marriage will certainly be a place where your cup will need to be poured out.

I came across this quote the other day as I was looking up some quotes and verses for this post. "God doesn't want me to be a FIX him wife, God wants me to be a LOVE him wife," (Lysa Terkeurst). It was really powerful to the strong-willed part of me, with the incessant need to shape and mold my husband into this grand leader of our family. But what God has called me to is loving my husband along his path of sanctification with grace, prayer, support, and encouragement.

Sacrificing in Marriage

Lately, bedtime has become a source of conflict in our marriage. P is a night owl with a decent burst of energy around 11:30 at night. Not a let-me-go-run-a-marathon burst but going to bed for him much before 1 AM is hard. Whether it's playing FIFA or Madden, reading sports articles, or watching some kind of laugh-out-loud comedy show, his brain is just not ready to completely shut down yet.
In contrast, I have got to sleep. I have an aversion to caffeine, so shorting myself on sleep usually does not go well for functioning the next day. Caffeine makes my heart race and I've puked on many occasions from drinking a coke or Cheerwine(although any North Carolinian friends will agree that the taste of a Cheerwine is completely worth it!). So getting less than 6 hours of sleep if I'm not guarenteed a nap, is dangerous territory for me, especially with a chronic migraine condition. I aim for eight and a half, but I LIVE for the nights where I can get 10 or more.
I also should mention, I don't like falling asleep alone and physical touch is one of my top love languages. Falling asleep curled up with P's arms around me is something I've quickly fallen in love with during the first three months of marriage.
With my work and school schedule, there aren't many nights I can wait till 1 AM for bedtime. So last night, I asked if a couple nights a week, P could go to bed with me. While I should have realized a bit of my selfishness here, a part of me was thinking about how tired P is most of the time and how more sleep isn't usually a harmful addition to anyone's lifestyle. He wasn't resistant to the idea, but tonight was not the night for kickstarting this new routine in his opinion. He had been covering the impending hurricane most of the week and just needed some relaxing time (although I was a bit confused as to what he would have called the last three hours on the couch.)
I decided I would be selfless and give up another night going to sleep in my comfort spot for the sake of my husband's need of "relaxing". Apparently my face didn't look so gracious as my heart brain intended it to be, and P took notice. After stomping around the kitchen and living room for a few minutes, slamming the cables into his phones, he plopped into bed. (Note: the drama described here may or may not be my over reaction.)
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Going to bed. I'm sacrificing for you," he huffed back (drama is intended here).
A few more exchanges and we were arguing. I couldn't decide if I was just uncomfortable with the fact that someone was sacrificing for me (I tend to be fiercely independent, a trait that goes incredibly well in a marriage...not!) or if I had a problem with the way his "sacrifice" felt. Maybe it was both. I felt in a way, I didn't need him sacrificing his happiness for me(because he certainly was not happy) and instead I really just wanted him to want him to want the same things I did. I wanted him to want to fall asleep together or want to do something because it was important to me and made me feel loved. Idealistic yes, I'm aware.
On the other hand I was critical of the way he was sacrificing. I couldn't help but think that this little "sacrifice" was going to be registered and brought up later in a future disagreement. I wanted him to have this "I don't mind at all," attitude and not make me feel guilty for what he was doing for me. This was not it. This did not feel like sacrificial love to me.
But then I started to think, is it my job or my place to judge my husband's sacrificing for me? Is that my role as a wife?
Honestly in those moments, I don't know what my husband had left at this point in the day. I once heard someone joke that just as women have a time of the month, and men have a time of the day. There are certain points in the day when P's nerves are more friable, arguements are more likely to occur (thought it takes two to tango), and not much conversation is able to happen. This was probably right in the middle of that time and I was expecting him to be Christ conversing with the crowds or letting the children come when he needed to be in the garden. Maybe his sacrifice was fully selfless of all he had at that time, and I cut him short by not realizing how little he had and how much of that he was giving.
Furthermore, I realized my husband's way of sacrificing may not always look like mine. God created me to be a giver and a caretaker. I'm a people pleaser and I'll drop anything I can to be there for you, careful to neglect telling you whatever it is I dropped or the price I paid to be there for you. Cooking a meal for a new mom, missing a church service to work an extra shift in nursery, forgoing studying to text or be with a friend in crisis, you name it, I'm genuinely happy to do it. But that's how God has shaped my heart and that doesn't mean that everyone's version of true selflessness and sacrificing will be packaged up like mine (with a Carolina blue bow on it). My husband's for instance, might look totally different than that, and that's something I need to learn to recognize for what it is, be grateful for, and not criticize.
And if my husband's sacrifice was not completely selfless, it's not my job to judge the quality or the quantity of it. We are all on a path of refinement and our paths all look different according to God's perfect timing and His purposes for us along His perfect plan. Ultimately all of our sacrificing here on earth pales in comparison to the ultimate sacrifice Christ made to ransom our lives. Christ is the example, not me and how I give, not my mom, or my grandma, or that perfect wife we all see on social media and think has it all together. Christ and He alone.
"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters." 1 John 3:16 NIV

What's the most surprising thing about marriage so far?

P and I were catching up with sweet friends this weekend over dinner (and snuggling their new baby), and we were asked the question, "what's been the most surprising thing about marriage so far?"

The question through me for a loop. I was prepared for lots of the usual questions, how's married life going, what's been hard, when are you having kids, how are the in laws, etc. But this one was completely new. I looked to P and he looked just as puzzled as I was. Thinking quickly and on my feet is not one of my strong suits, unless I'm talking to someone under the age of 4 and the answer, "because that's the way God made it," suffices. So I paused and pondered.

What came out was pretty raw and not anything I had thought on before. "I think I am most surprised at how hard of a time I have had adjusting to my reality being much different than my expectations of marriage and being a wife." It was honest but loaded and I couldn't have been more thankful to be in the safe company of friends that deeply cared for us and were not going to shy away from letting this conversation continue.

When P and I were engaged, I never had this fantasy that the moment we said I do, all our fighting, issues, frustrations, and conflicts would disappear. I didn't have a magical, mystical dream under any sense that the work to have grace and patience that I was giving during our engagement season was going to end and it would be butterflies and rainbows and unicorns from the honeymoon till the retirement home. But I did have expectations, some very high expectations, most specifically of myself going into marriage that I have found to just not be able to meet. And adjusting to the fact that this is a reality of not being able to meet these expectations, not just a temporary set of circumstances, has been the worst part.

I'm a notorious organizer and I love to cook for others. When we registered for wedding gifts, most of my favorites came from a desire to have an organized home or a home with a well fed husband. I had these expectations that our home would be clean, it would be exceedingly organized, and I would have home cooked meals made every night. Boy was I wrong. Though our laundry hamper may pre-sort our laundry into four colored loads, it doesn't mean they actually get done. All the Dutch ovens and cookbooks and recipe holders and our perfectly organized pantry(complete with printed labels from my label maker) doesn't mean I actually get meals cooked every night. Add a house mess in with some shortcomings on grace for my husband and I often feel like I'm failing as a wife. And the realization of my failures as a wife put me to the point of tears easily during the past three months.

I'm not cut out to do this wife-thing, I'm terrible at this, never have I been so inadequate at something in my whole life. What the heck did I do getting married and why didn't anyone point out that I was going to suck at it? It's not like I had three kids running around to blame on a messy house or a job that kept me working late to blame on the lack of dinners some nights. Why didn't I have it all together? Why wasn't I perfect?

Ahh. There it was. I was expecting myself to be this perfect newlywed wife and that's just not realistic. I'm not built for perfection. I had to get the demand for perfection out of my head and start learning to be okay with good, not perfect. Our house is relatively clean and we clean before guests come over (we took care of our cockroach infestation!), I make at least one home cooked meal a week but usually two, and a sink full of dirty dishes left overnight never killed anyone that I've heard of. But it's not been an easy adjustment, and learning this new reality and it's stark contrast with my original expectations on marriage have been certainly the most difficult adjustment of marriage so far.  And some days I still find myself reassuring myself that this reality is okay. I may always have to do that, especially one day God-willing when we add some little rugrats to the household.

My sweet friend and her husbanband agreed with what I was sharing, having encountered the same experience of adjusting expectations in their marriage. Why no one tells you this before you get married, I'm not sure. It was never in any of our premarital counseling or the Bible studies we read, but maybe it was just one of those lessons you have to feel to learn.

"But He said to me 'My grace grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me" (Corinthians 12:9)

the Process and the Wait

If I had to make a rankings of my attributes and personality traits, patience would be very low on this list, if not at the bottom. Whether it's waiting for dinner time and P to come home from work, or for cookies to be done baking in the oven, some of my worst moments have come out in a time of waiting. And you would think I would be good at it by now. God has carried me through a multiyear long trial of knee surgeries, physical therapy, and waiting for healing and answers of next steps. But alas, I'm still as impatient as ever and stubborn too. Stubborn in that I want things done in my way and my time.
And that's part of what has made the first few months of marriage so difficult. Marriage brought a lot of change for P and I. Not just from simply moving in together and learning about all that comes with that, but we went from seeing each other 1-2 times a month for 36 hours, to now spending all of our free time together. P went from doing dishes when he ran out of clean ones to someone expecting him to help out with them daily. I went from having people around all the time (I lived with a family of 5 that I nannied for previously), to only having P around some of the time. And even the evenings when P was around, he had usually hit his max word limit for the day and wasn't up for much conversation.
Very early in our marriage, we both entered into a time of transition and process. We quickly joined a Sunday school class and began studying Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. The topic of selflessness came up a lot on one of the first days. More than calling out your spouse's selfishness, the book encouraged you to work on your own selflessness and to pray for your spouse and for the work God was doing in them. I devoted myself that Sunday to doing that and entered into the waiting game. Yay, my favorite!!
Waiting while a process is working itself out in someone else then creates a secondary process in you. How much grace can you give, how much forgiveness can you muster, how far can your limits be pushed? In the beginning, I did alright. I'm not going to say I was perfect and full of grace. Many times while wanting P to help with chores or to offer to do them, I put in my headphones and turned on my "what Jesus would freaking do"(Grey's anatomy anyone?) playlist and continued on in my scrubbing dishes or laundry folding, knowing full well my facial expression said it all. After a few weeks, I was caving. I had a sleepless night, had worked an early morning shift, and was probably hormonal to top it all off. I let my husband have it. I was not his mother, I did not need to be making his lunches like he was in kindergarten(we are trying to save money by not eating out), he could be helping out with the house 50/50 like we had discussed when we were dating and engaged, and that garbage he couldn't be bothered to take out was now stinking up our whole house and the cheap trash bags made it leak as I carried it out the door (which somehow was going to be his fault too in that moment)
My patience was up. It had been weeks since that Sunday and I wasn't seeing any results. I had been absolutely selfless and was praying without ceasing (I hope you can see the over-reaction here). My ability to wait during the process was at it's all time low and I had decided there was no more grace to give. Was God actually working in him, or was my marriage always going to look like this? Two weeks people, that's all it took for me to give up on the waiting game and mistrust the process.
What I didn't realize was God had me at the height of my own refinement in these moments. Pushing my limits of grace for my husband and for God's timing of work in him. Increasing my trust and reliance in Him always. What I so quickly forgot to do was turn anywhere from having my gaze fixed straight ahead. When we are so consumed by looking at where we want to be, we fail to look behind us at where we've been, inward at who we are as sinners, beside us at who our spouses are as equal sinners, and upward at the glory of our Creator and Redeemer working all things for our good.
It's been about a month since my unfortunate outburst and hitting bottom of my grace giving. I think I have learned lots of ways keep from reaching that point, instead of shoving it all down and keeping it bottled inside. I can also see the many signs of growth and progress in P and that is something for which I am incredibly grateful. My own ability to trust in this process and wait patiently is growing. I may always count down the half hours till I get out of work or minutes till my favorite show comes on, but God's patience never runs thin with working on me!

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice I our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us of shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5

Consistency is key

I heard this a lot in sports growing up. Whether being able to hit a cheerleading stunt six ways to Sunday in the days of practice leading up to a performance, or passing the soccer ball accurately to a teammate, being able to replicate a skill or sequence consistently showed learning and potentially mastery. It gave coaches and teams confidence and usually boded well for upcoming challenges. As I sat on my bed looking around at a house of small messes, I started to think about my husband's consistency up to this point in our marriage.

On my way out the door this morning as I headed for campus, I asked him to "please be productive" and finish the laundry task that he started this weekend. I had already folded half of the loads for him and was growing weary of the piles cluttering the coffee table. When he said he would do the laundry this weekend, my expectation had been set. Completion by 11:59pm Sunday night, but that was not the case and by this Monday morning I was a bit irritated watching him play computerized putt-putt in front of the piles. Coming home from class, I found a few laundry piles still on the dryer, half a pile on my dresser (in his defense my drawer organization is fairly intricate), and towels still in the dryer. Our kitchen still in the same disarray that it had been in when I left, but I knew to expect that.
After stewing about it for most of the day, I hit my climax of frustration. "The only consistent thing he has done in the past two and a half months is let me down!" I told God in frustration. (Monday nights are usually filled with more divine dialogue as P works a later shift.) I thought about the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, bed-making, and countless other things I do around this house to keep it running, on top of my class, a job, and working on a career. And then I let it spiral into other things that P has let me down about and hosted myself a grand ole pity party for uno.

And then the Lord, as only He can do, gently and kindly (although I probably deserved a swift kick in the pants), reminded me of who I am. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. I fail my husband and let him down all the time. It may not be in ways that tally up like a list of unchecked chores, but I am not better, not mightier, and certainly not better at this marriage thing than him.

Our marriage is supposed to reflect a greater and more beautiful picture of marriage, one that shows a perfect Prince who gives himself up completely for his redeemed Bride who wants nothing more than to serve Him and love him with her whole heart for her whole life. Tim Keller writes "through Christian marriage, the story of the gospel- of sin, grace, and restoration- can be seen and heard both inside the church and out in the world." If I can keep that in mind- sin, grace, and restoration - most importantly the grace part, as I have been given more than I could ever repay, perhaps that might just be the key of consistency I need to find.