If I had to make a rankings of my attributes and personality traits, patience would be very low on this list, if not at the bottom. Whether it's waiting for dinner time and P to come home from work, or for cookies to be done baking in the oven, some of my worst moments have come out in a time of waiting. And you would think I would be good at it by now. God has carried me through a multiyear long trial of knee surgeries, physical therapy, and waiting for healing and answers of next steps. But alas, I'm still as impatient as ever and stubborn too. Stubborn in that I want things done in my way and my time.
And that's part of what has made the first few months of marriage so difficult. Marriage brought a lot of change for P and I. Not just from simply moving in together and learning about all that comes with that, but we went from seeing each other 1-2 times a month for 36 hours, to now spending all of our free time together. P went from doing dishes when he ran out of clean ones to someone expecting him to help out with them daily. I went from having people around all the time (I lived with a family of 5 that I nannied for previously), to only having P around some of the time. And even the evenings when P was around, he had usually hit his max word limit for the day and wasn't up for much conversation.
Very early in our marriage, we both entered into a time of transition and process. We quickly joined a Sunday school class and began studying Tim Keller's The Meaning of Marriage. The topic of selflessness came up a lot on one of the first days. More than calling out your spouse's selfishness, the book encouraged you to work on your own selflessness and to pray for your spouse and for the work God was doing in them. I devoted myself that Sunday to doing that and entered into the waiting game. Yay, my favorite!!
Waiting while a process is working itself out in someone else then creates a secondary process in you. How much grace can you give, how much forgiveness can you muster, how far can your limits be pushed? In the beginning, I did alright. I'm not going to say I was perfect and full of grace. Many times while wanting P to help with chores or to offer to do them, I put in my headphones and turned on my "what Jesus would freaking do"(Grey's anatomy anyone?) playlist and continued on in my scrubbing dishes or laundry folding, knowing full well my facial expression said it all. After a few weeks, I was caving. I had a sleepless night, had worked an early morning shift, and was probably hormonal to top it all off. I let my husband have it. I was not his mother, I did not need to be making his lunches like he was in kindergarten(we are trying to save money by not eating out), he could be helping out with the house 50/50 like we had discussed when we were dating and engaged, and that garbage he couldn't be bothered to take out was now stinking up our whole house and the cheap trash bags made it leak as I carried it out the door (which somehow was going to be his fault too in that moment)
My patience was up. It had been weeks since that Sunday and I wasn't seeing any results. I had been absolutely selfless and was praying without ceasing (I hope you can see the over-reaction here). My ability to wait during the process was at it's all time low and I had decided there was no more grace to give. Was God actually working in him, or was my marriage always going to look like this? Two weeks people, that's all it took for me to give up on the waiting game and mistrust the process.
What I didn't realize was God had me at the height of my own refinement in these moments. Pushing my limits of grace for my husband and for God's timing of work in him. Increasing my trust and reliance in Him always. What I so quickly forgot to do was turn anywhere from having my gaze fixed straight ahead. When we are so consumed by looking at where we want to be, we fail to look behind us at where we've been, inward at who we are as sinners, beside us at who our spouses are as equal sinners, and upward at the glory of our Creator and Redeemer working all things for our good.
It's been about a month since my unfortunate outburst and hitting bottom of my grace giving. I think I have learned lots of ways keep from reaching that point, instead of shoving it all down and keeping it bottled inside. I can also see the many signs of growth and progress in P and that is something for which I am incredibly grateful. My own ability to trust in this process and wait patiently is growing. I may always count down the half hours till I get out of work or minutes till my favorite show comes on, but God's patience never runs thin with working on me!
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the Glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice I our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us of shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
No comments:
Post a Comment