When my husband was asking my dad's permission to propose to me, my dad replied, "are you sure? She's really stubborn!" I just found out about this occurrence, a little more than a year after it happened. As much as I hate to admit it, it's the truth and has been for my entire life. If you've ever heard of the book "The Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson, that was me in a nutshell as a child. My poor parents both being the youngest of the sibling groups, did their best to bridle my first-born spirit. I ruled the roost growing up with my younger siblings and often with my friends. I learned lots of lessons over the years and typically can dial it back in social situations. However, I still struggle to not overstep my place or control situations that include more than just me.
In marriage, this proves extra difficult. Not just from the stance of creating a partnership with someone (instead of me leading a dictatorship), but furthermore from the way God has designed marriage. My role as a wife is not to lead our household, make our decisions autonomously, or diminish my husband's wisdom and opinions for the sake of crediting my own.
I have scoured the Bible's pages looking for justification in being an outspoken, overly zealous, headstrong wife, but the words just aren't there. As much as I would love to tell you that when your husband isn't leading the "perfect" way, you can take over, but that is not true. I wish there was a verse telling me that my strong-will was a good and healthy thing and that the ways it manifests itself are fortifying to my marriage, but in fact if I'm being completely real, it's the opposite.
My strong-will is often a case of misplaced trust. As a child, it often a mistrust that someone was going to follow through on their tasks on a group project or that their ideas for an afternoon of fun were going to be as fun as my own. As an adult, the trust was still misplaced, but the items became much bigger. Whether mistrust in my husband as the leader of our family or in God as our ultimate leader and provider, I too often believe that in my own power and by my own strength will get us to a better place in life. I frequently believe that our story as a married couple is better written with the pen in my hand instead of our Creator's, who happens to be writing the best love story of all time. The paths of our testimonies, both individually and collectively as a couple are in no way shape or form stories that I could have created or orchestrated. The way we met, having both just sworn off dating a few days before, the way we grew to love each other, our engagement story, and the rest of our journey, we didn't have a hand in that all coming together so perfectly like it did. When I am reminded of this, I no longer feel the need to take over the authorship of our story as a couple, because I know that if I am in control, the resulting story will pale in comparison to the one that the Lord would write with us.
So here are some things that I have been trying to keep in mind as I try to curb my strong-will in my marriage:
1. My husband is not perfect and neither am I. We are both sinners and fallible. We are going to fail each other constantly throughout this road of marriage and if we are looking for perfection, we will never find it. If I expect my husband to be a perfect husband, father, spiritual leader, partner, soul-mate, etc. then the only thing I will receive from him consistently is disappointment. My husband has never been a husband before, and he is only three months into this lifelong role. When was the last time you started a new job and were perfect by month three? God is working on him every day, refining him and strengthening him for our road and journey ahead. My strong-will of telling him who he should be or what he needs to be doing for us will chip away at the work that God is doing in him. When I keep grace and prayers for my husband as a priority in my mind, the outflow of that creates a space of encouragement for him to become the leader God is shaping him into and that I long to see.
2. Wisdom, not outspokenness, is a virtue. Proverbs 31 can be a great place to look for advice on the character of a virtuous wife. This chapter in the Bible sets out the ultimate Godly model of what a wife looks like. However, I often find that this has been turned into the unachievable standard for wives and that many women become disenchanted by these words. Women should strive to be a Proverbs 31 wife, just as we all strive to live like Jesus did. But missed perfectionism is nothing to beat yourself up over, so please have grace with yourself when you come up short. Explore this text and find some goals for yourself instead of using it as something to unfairly compare yourself to. Here are a few of mine:
- Trustworthiness: "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value," (Proverbs 31:11 NIV). Your husband's trust should be one of the most precious and sacred things to you. Speaking poorly about him in public, bashing him with your wife friends, talking to others about decisions the two of you are in the midst of making, and having deep friendships with members of the opposite gender are all things that can put your husband's trust at risk. Yes, this may mean awkwardly leaving a conversation or an uncomfortable switching of a conversation topic, diminishing some once strong friendships or setting up some boundaries, but marriage is about sacrifices and if it's what is best for your marriage, why not make these changes and put up these safeguards for your protection and your husband's ability to trust you wholeheartedly? Your husband will confide in you his fears, his dreams, his goals, and his plans on how to get there. He needs to know he is protected when he does that.
- Kindness: Whether in word or deed, kindness should be the overflow of our hearts. The Proverbs 31 woman is helpful to the needy, opening her arms and stretching out her hands. Whether tithing to your church, giving time, money, or your gifts to local charities, making a meal for a new mom, watching a friend's kids while they get a much needed date night, do something kind for someone else. This is something I am especially reminded of during this stressful season leading up to November, when we could all use some extra kindness. The same goes for your husband. Whether his day has been great or his day has been awful, extra kindness at home can only make it better. Edifying and uplifting compliments, kind requests when you need something, and overly appreciative thanks when he does something for you, will help foster a home where "Her children rise up and call her blessed, her husband also, and he praises her" (Proverbs 31: 28).
- Work hard at what you do: In the home or in the workforce, we see the Proverbs 31 Woman working willingly. It doesn't say when she feels like it, when her husband is in a good mood, when her kids are getting along, it just says "with willing hands" Proverbs 31:13. She is eager and intelligent in what she does (v. 13, v. 16). She wakes up early to provide for her family and her household, putting them first and giving it the time needed to be done well (v. 15). She is strong and capable but not wasteful with her time (vs. 17, 25, 27). She doesn't work for praise, or for the glory of self either. I'm reminded of another scripture verse, "whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men" (Colossians 3:23 ESV).
4. Submission can be freedom, but it can also be a challenge. Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands," (Ephesians 5:22-24). Growing up in the church and being in Christian organizations in college, the topic of submission in wifehood was always a hot topic. The idea was that husbands will make all the decisions, without any input from their wives, and that wives will be forced to idly sit by and passively let life happen around them. The thought of going from an active participant and decision maker in life as a young adult, deciding which job to take, which roommate to live with, which apartment to live in, which grocery store to shop at, and which bank to use, to then not being able to make any decisions at all or have any opinions at all, basically becoming a slave, was not favorable for any of the girls I knew. But as I studied submission more as I became serious about becoming a wife after God's design for marriage, I realized that the idea of submission was not exactly as we had morphed it into. No matter what our personality (even us strong-willed ones) as Christians, we submit to God's will for our lives, knowing He has our best interest at heart. By submitting to our husband's, we are actually submitting to the Lord and his design for marriage. I don't get to be off the hook when my husband is moody or lazy or when he isn't completely filling his role, unfortunately. My husband has a big role, the spiritual leader of our family. And as much as we would both say I might be more "qualified" for it, God has called him as the husband for this position, not me. As the wife, there are many things I can do to support and encourage this role for him, but taking it over is not my place. The same goes for decision making. I can give input and opinions, but stepping on my husband and making decisions for him, is not my job description either. These are both challenges for me, and things I have had to work very hard to catch myself from doing, but so worth it for the health and prosperity of my marriage.
5. It is not supposed to be easy. I think there is this huge disconnect in giving advice to newlywed couples. There's a lot of difference in telling someone "marriage is hard" and telling them "MY marriage is hard". We are so cautious to admit that we struggle and that we are being refined. It leaves other young wives vulnerable and feeling alone. Too often in the past early months of marriage, I looked around for someone else feeling the same way I was: subpar, less than perfect, constantly not measuring up. I felt like I was the only one failing at being the perfect wife, the only one who wasn't doing this well. I wasn't giving enough grace, we were arguing lots, I didn't feel like he was leading well, we were messy. I'm not telling you to go blast your marriage problems all over Facebook or complain to your mom about your husband day after day. However, finding a small group, bible study, community of woman in a similar life stage, or a mentor in the church can be incredibly encouraging. It is important to recognize ways to fill up your cup because your grace-demanding marriage will certainly be a place where your cup will need to be poured out.
I came across this quote the other day as I was looking up some quotes and verses for this post. "God doesn't want me to be a FIX him wife, God wants me to be a LOVE him wife," (Lysa Terkeurst). It was really powerful to the strong-willed part of me, with the incessant need to shape and mold my husband into this grand leader of our family. But what God has called me to is loving my husband along his path of sanctification with grace, prayer, support, and encouragement.
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