This weekend the south is supposed to get hit by a snowpocalypse. In our part of Georgia however, we are projected to get possibly(but probably not) a half inch of snow and maybe some freezing rain. Big whoop, especially when it requires my husband to work on a Saturday starting at 4 in the morning to report on the road conditions and changing weather.
I trekked out to a grocery store tonight in order to stock up on some food. Not because we are going to be snowed in for days on end, but more because we were just out of nearly everything. I picked up a can of cinnamon rolls (a brand that makes both the dough and icing dairy free!) and decided I would get up early tomorrow and make them for my snow-chaser husband as he headed out in the wee hours of the morning. My intentions were honestly just to do something nice for him, and because I felt bad that he was having to wake up for what was looking to be a disappointing snow day situation.
As he was climbing into bed around 9:30, a huge struggle for him especially on a Friday night (read this post if you don't know what I'm talking about), I knew he was dreading the morning. So I decided to tell him about what he had to look forward to. I mean these cinnamon rolls are tasty and who doesn't want a piping hot breakfast pastry as they head out the door in the morning?
Me: "Hey I bought some cinnamon rolls to make for you before you leave in the morning. Thought you could take some to (insert names of some of my favorite newsroom people) as well."
P: "well they'll have food for us there at the station."
Crushed. Let down. Wind let out of my sails. Here I was just trying to do something nice and his immediate reaction is not to say, "wow, that's nice of you" or "you don't have to do that sweetheart!". It's a "yeah I don't need that."
I was upset and had to walk away in order to swallow my reaction. I stood in our bathroom, taking off my makeup and washing my face, thinking through the situation. I was just trying to be a good wife and do something loving. Why couldn't he see that or appreciate that?
And then it hit me. Was I being his good wife and was what I was doing something he would feel loved by?
1. Our spouses are fallible. I'm not trying to make an excuse for spouses with this and let them off the hook for not putting forth effort in the relationship. But I want to start with this point because we need to remember this daily. Whether they just come up short and miss the mark, are distracted and not giving their full attention, or just plain screw up, our spouses fail us and will for the rest of our lives on this side of Heaven. P was stressing about work, tired from the week he had already worked which had been more hectic than normal, watching a basketball game, and grumpy about his wake up time for the next day. Not exactly a prime subject for expecting perfect responses and loving appreciation. We too are fallible. The grace we exchange as spouses in weak moments will always pale in comparison to the grace we have been given through the the Cross. Grace grace and more grace!
2. Our spouses are not God. You may think that this would tie into the first point but I want to take it in a different direction. God can express love in an infinite number of ways. We cannot. As God knit us together and formed His plan for us, our experiences and influences that would shape us into the people and lovers we are today, He did not create us with the intricacies to express love and receive love in all the ways that are possible. He made us each unique. The way we love, the way we want to be loved by a spouse, by a parent, by a friend, are all special to each person. While there are patterns and there is an ability to group people by certain characteristics of expressing and receiving love preferences, we are all special in our own ways. Sometimes in the mingling of souls, the way a husband expresses love to his wife is exactly how she prefers to loved, and vice versa. But often, there's a mismatch and the ships pass in the night without so much as even noticing someone else is sailing in the same waters.
I thought back to a book P and I started (and have yet to finish in all honesty) during our engagement by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love Languages. The premise of the book is that one of the crucial components of a meaningful and successful relationship is where each spouse knows how they need to be loved and how their spouse needs to be loved and is able to speak each other's languages. There are many different ways to show or express your love to someone, but if you are expressing your love in a way that someone isn't able to identify as loving, they might miss your love message altogether with.
3. The way you crave to be loved may not be the way you find it easiest to show love or how your spouse craves to be loved. For me personally, I find that quality time is where I find the most loved. No screens, doing something meaningful or enjoyable, connecting, and being with each other, even if it is only for a twenty minutes, that is how I am filled up in our relationship. But I find that I tend to gravitate and naturally give love to my husband through acts of service. Hence our cinnamon roll debacle. It wasn't that I was wrong to show my love to him that way or he was wrong to not receive it. It isn't a blame game, but rather that we are both on the same team, headed for the same goal. Understanding the way to love each other better. And that involves both altering the way we love our spouse and how we view the way they seek to love us so that we can receive their love well. Not one or the other, but both.
Remembering our talks over the 5 Love Languages book, I recalled P expressing how much he identified with the section on Words of Affirmation. For him, respect, encouragement, praise, and validation are huge. Constant criticism, nagging, and disrespect are confidence and relationship destroyers. I could easily recall examples, even from the past week, of where this was evident and where I could do better. It isn't that I didn't want to love him this way, but this language isn't one that comes naturally to be because of the way I was raised and the experiences I have had that have shaped who I am. I have a different preference when it comes to being loved, but it is just as important for P to hear words of affirmation as it is for me to be loved through quality time. So learning to speak words of affirmation into my daily life with P more is just as important as him learning to recognize acts of service as me trying to love him.
Understanding your spouse's language and their complete understanding of your language is a process. It will not happen overnight and without climbing a mountain together. But the point is that you are in it together, both striving for the same goal, to make your spouse better feel your love and to feel more loved by them. And who doesn't want that?
If you haven't read the 5 Love Languages or this is the first you have ever heard of the concepts of Love Languages, I would encourage you to visit http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ for information. You can take a free assessment to determine your own love language that will score you in each category of the 5 languages. Dr. Gary Chapman has written many books on topics such as parenting to the Love Languages of your children, Love Languages in the workplace, Love Languages for Singles, and so many other resources.
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