Not a Fixer Upper Husband

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty much obsessed with HGTV's show Fixer Upper. The sweet, tangible love between the duo Chip and Joanna Gaines who take the "worst house in the best neighborhood" and turn these rundown eyesores into masterpieces for their clients. It is captivating to watch the transformation of each house, and I am constantly dragging P into our bedroom to stand in front of our TV and watch the reveal of the finished houses so he can see the before and after pictures of the amazing work the Gaines and their team have accomplished. Their co-authored autobiography, The Magnolia Story, gifted to me at Christmas by my mother-in-law, is now loaned out a second time because I can't help but share it. Top of my vacation bucket list is a couples trip to explore Waco, Texas, visit Magnolia Market, and of course stay in the Gaines's bed and breakfast The Magnolia House. And I now proudly sport a #shiplap shirt around town as well as have a wire file basket hanging in our entry way, both bought online from the Gaines' Magnolia Market.

I grew up in a fixer upper home. I say grew up, because for most people, fixer upper homes don't happen like they do on tv. They take months to years to complete. My parents bought a 1967 ranch house on some acrage right before I started 8th grade. Their finish date was set for my high school graduation, just in time for me to leave home and miss out on enjoying the completed project. I'm now almost 24 years old and there are still small projects my parents have yet to finish, or even start on the house. The majority of the work was done by the deadline and they have re-done some rooms a second time (in particular my old bedroom). But I learned lots of handy skills and that I would never take on a Fixer Upper in my own adult life, well unless Chip and Joanna Gaines were running the project. I can hang drywall, install a toilet, lay tile and hardwoods, demo a deck, install a fence line, nail up crown molding and baseboards, and several other "this will be fun" skills.

With both of my parents working full time, the evenings and mainly the weekends were filled with projects on the house. From jack hammering up parquet floors to running electrical, there was always a project in progress. And when you finished one project, it just meant that it was time to start another. There were lulls in the four years of reno work where we just enjoyed the house for what it was at the time, but the idea of completion was never far from thoughts when you looked around at the place.

I have to be very careful not to look at my husband or marriage in the same way. My husband is not my fixer upper house where I can fix one part of him and then move on to the next part of him I don't like. As we figure out this thing called marriage and how to best love each other, it could be very easy to look at the changes and adaptations my husband has made to better love and serve me as fixes to him that I have been the catalyst of making.

1. My husband isn't run-down, broken, or in need of renovation projects from me. My husband is a sinner, yes. My husband is flawed, yes also. But he is not my fixer upper project. He is not a family room needing resurfaced floors, a fresht coat of paint, and a re-rocked fireplace with a barnwood mantle. When he begins to pick up his gym shorts and make it all the way to the hamper with them, he hasn't become fixed-up. I haven't, as a wife, completed one project and now it's onto the toothpaste spit and shaved hair grime in the bathroom sink. When he learns about I love to spend quality time in the evenings with him and makes that a priority more often, it isnt another completed room on this house and now it's on to his listening skills. He isn't my project and I'm not the one doing the fixing. He is God's child and servant. God is molding P for the work that He is calling him to.

2. God changes hearts and attitudes, spouses pray. One of the many roles of God is to mold and shape us as He sees fit according to His will. God, in His infinite wisdom, knows the challenges and callings that will be placed upon our lives and the ways that we will need to be refined and shaped in order to handle and endure each chapter of life. Trust the process and the work that God has begun in you and your spouse that he will not finish until completion. "And I am sir of this, that he who began a good work in your will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6 ESV. It doesn't mean that your desire for seeing growth, change, maturity in an aspect of your spouse's life needs to fall away, but let God be the driving force behind that change. Pray to God for it instead of nagging your husband for it. It isn't easy and it sometimes feels unheard or fruitless.  It what an incredible testimony down the road you will have, to be able to say "look at the work God has done in our marriage and in us" instead of "look how I changed my marriage."

3. Respect the man you married, don't try to turn him into something else. I could sit at a dinner table with other newlywed wives or hop on Facebook and easily find ways to feel like my husband isn't right. He doesn't sweep me off my feet and take me out on romantic dates every week, he doesn't cook dinner every night, or lovingly let me say whatever I need to say when pouring out my heart without ever getting offended, or lead us in morning prayer time or nightly devotions. But that doesn't mean that there aren't many amazing qualities about him and it doesn't mean that I am not called to respect him. I remember a friend of mine preaching on a mission trip talking about the exchange between husband and wife in Ephesians 5. He said it wasn't an "if then" statement. It is not, if your husband is loving you as Christ loved the church, then submit to him. And the same goes in reverse. It isn't, husbands, if your wife is submitting to you, then love her as Christ loved the church. We each have the call to love, obey, serve, and respect our spouse and we answer to God. When we find ways to respect our spouse, we find new ways to fall in love with them. When we are constantly looking for ways to replace their parts, we fall out of love with who we are married to. It is incredibly hard to love someone you do not respect.

We will not ever be perfect on this side of heaven, but we are perfectable. There will always be a crack in a tile, a chip in the paint, or a shutter hanging slightly crooked until our final breath when the work is complete. More than anything we need to realize that we are all projects and fixer-uppers in God's hands, not each other's. The ways in which we need to be polished are up to Him, not for us to decide about our spouse or anyone else. So let us pray boldly to be open and receiving of our own re-model work from God, pray for and acknowledge the polishing work He is doing in our spouse, and enjoy some more Chip and Joanna Gaines on Fixer Upper!