Easy Mode or Advanced Mode

I hit a wall with trying to be productive at work today, swimming in my thoughts and emotions, so I figured it was time to write. I've been fighting back frustration lately, questioning purpose and calling a lot. It is not a place I like to sit in long, but when you add on some insomnia and overworked weeks, it is hard to find time to wrestle though the emotions to find the other side. 

This morning I drove my husband's car to work. We swapped over the weekend so I could help another church staff member cart rugs to our service on Sunday (Preston's vehicle is much larger than mine). In the car there is a screen that raises and lowers in the top of the dashboard for the back-up camera when it turns on and off. It also works as a GPS when you push the right buttons which I discovered yesterday. This morning when I turned the car on it asked if I wanted the GPS in "easy mode" or "advanced mode". I looked at it and thought, nothing in my life has ever been easy, why would I pick easy mode for the GPS? It just wouldn't fit. 

And then I proceeded to have a 12 minute drive of a pity party for myself, reliving past trials and wilderness seasons that proved incredibly difficult to handle, and our current struggle of our foster care journey taking many more months for a placement than we ever expected. I've been fighting off the feelings for a while and I don't know why this morning was different. Maybe it was triggered by losing out on a house that we put in an offer on, our first ever offer on a house and we lose. Again, the nothing is ever easy party line! 

I drive by our agency every chance I get, praying over them and their decisions. I pray for their wisdom and clarity, I pray for God's will to be done in their office. And I finish asking for peace and patience if today is not our day. And every day so far, it has not been our day. 

Back in the fall on Black Friday, I bought several bottles of my favorite dry shampoo. I rarely see it on sale and they were on a BOGO, so I stocked up. In the back of my mind I thought about the reliance I would soon have on dry shampoo to keep myself looking put together when I didn't have time for a shower because my world had been taken over by a little one. Two weeks ago I had to go back to the store and buy more dry shampoo for the first time since Black Friday, having run out of that stock pile, and still no baby. 

So we keep waiting, we remain in faithful obedience to what we have been called to, we leave our yes on the table as much as we want to rip it away in fear and doubt. It's been over a month since our last potential placement call and every day that goes by seems to get more and more difficult to add to the streak. And when the gentle questions from friends come, asking for updates, we choose to speak of His faithfulness to us, how the joy will come in the morning. 

The advanced mode has never been a choice, I would have picked easy every time. Easy, quick, painless, but that's not how God has worked in my life. Waiting in faithfulness, painful growing pains, slow and methodical obedience, has gotten me where I am today. It rarely makes sense in the moment, in the trial, in the storm. It is only when I look behind at the last trial or I get to end of this one and see the good that God made out of it that I understand why the advanced mode was necessary. I may still not like it, but I get it. It may not make it easier, but it makes it comprehendible.